Article

Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the

existential continuum in women

Reconfiguraciones en la construcción de la pareja: análisis del continuo existencial en las

mujeres

Reconfigurações na construção de casais: análise do continuum existencial nas mulheres

José Miguel Mayorga-González

D. in Complex Thought, Corporación Universitaria Minuto de Dios-UNIMINUTO.

jose.mayorga@uniminuto.edu https://orcid.org/0000-0002-0326-4824

José Antonio Camargo Barrero

Master in Social Intervention in Knowledge Societies. Specialist in Psychological

Intervention in Crisis Situations. Psychologist. Teacher-researcher at the Corporación

Universitaria Minuto de Dios-UNIMINUTO. jose.camargo@uniminuto.edu

https://orcid.org/0000-0003-3175-1109

María Alejandra Caita Alvarado

Psychologist in training. Research intern at Corporación Universitaria Minuto de Dios-

UNIMINUTO. mcaitaalvar@uniminuto.edu.co https://orcid.org/0000-0001-9103-5601

Received January 2020 - Accepted November 2020

Revista iberoamericana de educación.

Vol - 4 No. 1, January - March 2021

e-ISSN: 2737-632x

Pgs 71 - 89

Abstract: The dialogic exchange from digital media marks one of the main

spaces for couple building. Thus, this article seeks to understand the

experiences of women in the process of couple building from the existential

continuum and discontinuum, given the absence of information on women's

experiences in couple building today. The development of the same is framed

in the qualitative-phenomenological methodology, describing the subjective

and intersubjective accounts of women between 20 and 32 years old,

responding to the question "How are couple relationships constructed

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

nowadays from an existential point of view? As a result, two questions are

answered: What would be the present causes that maintain the way of existing

of women in the process of building a couple, and what would be, from the

results found, the way of existing that allows acting in a reflexive and

responsible way?

Key words: Couple; construction; dialogic; commitment; existential.

Resumen: El intercambio dialógico a partir de los medios digitales marca

uno de los principales espacios de construcción de pareja. Así, este artículo

busca comprender las experiencias de las mujeres en el proceso de

construcción de pareja desde el continuo y discontinuo existencial, dada la

ausencia de información sobre las experiencias de las mujeres en la

construcción de pareja en la actualidad. El desarrollo del mismo se enmarca

en la metodología cualitativa-fenomenológica, describiendo los relatos

subjetivos e intersubjetivos de mujeres de entre 20 y 32 años, respondiendo a

la pregunta "¿Cómo se construyen las relaciones de pareja en la actualidad

desde el punto de vista existencial? Como resultado, se responde a dos

preguntas: ¿Cuáles serían las causas actuales que mantienen el modo de

existir de las mujeres en el proceso de construcción de la pareja, y cuál sería,

a partir de los resultados encontrados, el modo de existir que permite actuar

de forma reflexiva y responsable?

Palabras clave: Pareja; construcción; dialógica; compromiso; existencial.

Resumo: A troca dialógica a partir de meios digitais marca um dos principais

espaços para a construção de casais. Assim, este artigo procura compreender

as experiências das mulheres no processo de construção de casais a partir do

continuum existencial e do descontinuo, dada a ausência de informação sobre

as experiências das mulheres na construção de casais nos dias de hoje. O

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

desenvolvimento do mesmo está enquadrado na metodologia qualitativa-

fenomenológica, descrevendo os relatos subjectivos e intersubjectivos das

mulheres entre os 20 e 32 anos de idade, respondendo à pergunta "Como é

que as relações de casal são construídas hoje em dia de um ponto de vista

existencial? Como resultado, são respondidas duas perguntas: Quais seriam

as causas actuais que mantêm a forma de existir das mulheres no processo de

construção de um casal, e qual seria, a partir dos resultados encontrados, a

forma de existir que permite agir de uma forma reflexiva e responsável?

Palavras-chave: Casal; construção; dialógica; compromisso; existencial.

INTRODUCTION

Although in recent years there has been an increased interest in research

topics related to couple problems (Vanegas and Camargo, 2020), the

following research arises from the research problem of the absence of

information on the experiences of women in the construction of couples

today. This interest arises given the sensitivity generated by these human and

social processes in youth and young adults. The construction of couples

nowadays is mainly based on the dialogic exchange that is maintained

through digital media and is strengthened by face-to-face encounters.

The purpose of this study is to understand the experiences of women in the

process of couple building from the existential continuum and discontinuity.

To this end, we seek to describe the subjective and intersubjective accounts

by answering the question of how are couple relationships currently built

from an existential perspective?

The reconfigurations of the processes of couple building today can be

understood from the way power is expressed through the different worlds,

this expression is based on the principles of violence and mutual deception.

The principle of violence is specified by Miller as the first deception carried

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

out by the figures of care and power, sending a double information in which

it is specified that one loves, cares, gives opportunities or recognizes merit,

but this is done through acts of violence, repression and deception, facing the

above, the person is educated to deceive himself and the other, looking for

that confirmation to be able to revere himself in his existence.

Hence, the importance of understanding the existential assumptions that

emerge in the reconfiguration of the processes of construction of couples in

women aged 18 to 32 years under the perspective of the principles of violence

and mutual deception, achieving not only to specify the relational dynamics

but also the ways in which the person assumes these processes.

Couple relationships are configured as Sternberg (1988) specifies, from three

elements: intimacy, passion and commitment. For Mayorga-González (2018)

these three elements are represented in the forms of confirmation that people

perceive in each other. According to, Almeida Eleno (2013):

For Sternberg, love is one of the most intense and desirable human emotions.

Human desperation for love goes so far that people may lie, cheat, kill in its

name or even wish for death when they lose it, yet it is also the driving force

behind many of the highest moral acts (p. 58).

Love from an existential point of view, being an emotion implies a constant

exchange with the other, oriented towards the confirmation of appreciation,

affection and respect as recognition of the surrender of the subject to the

relationship with another and that implies maintaining such emotion that we

call love. Mayorga-González (2018) specifies that the existence of the subject

must remain in a world surrendering to multiple constant exchanges with

others, in that exchange the subject assumes roles and also through these

he/she is relating with others from the formal, informal and hidden, until

achieving the configurations of a new world that will be called couple; this

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

link implies the construction of in common agreement and thinking about the

welfare of the other (Alzugaray and García, 2015).

Going back to Sternberg's proposal (1988 and 1999) and referenced by

Almeida Eleno (2013) and Capafóns and Sosa (2015), love is configured from

intimacy, passion and commitment. Intimacy is oriented to closeness, union

and affection towards the other, from Honneth's (1997) point of view, the

intimacy that subjects achieve with another is oriented to the search for

appreciation, to feel cared for by another, avoiding the violation of this

intimacy. For Almeida Eleno "the germ of intimacy is in the mutual self-

exposure of the members of the couple" (p. 59), since the exposure of

intimacy can trigger the violation of it, given that the other by mistreating or

violating intimacy tries to take over the body and life of the other person

beyond his or her own will (Arrese Igor, 2009). Nowadays, intimacy is

assumed as the possibility of discovering what is hidden to the other, but to

another who with effort and dedication earns it, even if the subject continues

to feel insecure in offering it.

Passion as an important element in the couple relationship (Levinger, 1996)

and as a second element in the proposal of Sternberg (1988) is oriented

towards the intense desire for contact with the other, for Almeida Eleno

(2013), this element "coincides with the so-called "love at first sight" and

consists of a state of intense desire for union with the other produced by a

mental and physical excitement" (p. 59), following with this same

appreciation passion "is the desire to be with the person with whom we form

the couple. It is, therefore, an ingredient that gives vivacity to the couple

relationship and fosters a healthy attachment" (Capafóns and Sosa, 2015, p.

1).

But the germ of passion in the configuration of a couple's relationship is

exclusivity, since this generates disenchantment, habituation and

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

deterioration, that is, "the degree of passion generally decreases more easily

when a reward is obtained on every occasion that one acts, and yet it increases

when sometimes one succeeds, but other times one fails" (p. 59).

The couple ceases to become a hidden world, as it is presented in the intimacy,

but the couple becomes an informal world where the subject is oriented to

seek recognition of opportunity and avoid exclusion. For Honneth (1988) and

later referenced by Arrese Igor (2009) passion in its form of recognition is

oriented towards equal opportunities, because "it depends on the horizon of

collective ideals and goals, in the light of which the contribution of the

qualities of the subjects can be valued" (p. 4). If the passion for the other

manages to maintain the satiety of personal needs and to perceive a merit

before the other, the exclusivity of passion makes the subject feel excluded

with the loss of passionate intensity.

The last element is commitment, understood as "the degree to which a person

is willing to attach to someone and take charge of that relationship until the

end. It is the component that gives stability to the relationship" (Capafóns and

Sosa, 2015 p. 1). For Sternberg (1988), commitment implies loyalty, fidelity

and responsibility, all of the above, generates stability and formality between

the parties, but the main difficulty lies in the fact that this commitment has

different measures and meanings for each of the members of the couple.

Commitment demands the subject to perceive recognition of merit (Mayorga-

González, 2018a), that is, "a recognition of the contribution that the subject

can make to social life based on his personal qualities" (Arrese Igor, 2009),

this implies, that he seeks to avoid the belittlement of humiliation.

Humiliation or dishonor is an experience of devaluation that fragments the

subject emotionally; the humiliated subject cannot understand his own actions

in the partner's world nor perceive love or opportunities from the other.

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

MATERIALS AND METHODS

In order to meet the objectives set out, a preference is made for a qualitative

methodology, since this allows access to the arguments given by the same

people involved in the problem raised (Herrera, Guevara, & Munster de la

Rosa, 2015).

Accordingly, qualitative research is specifically oriented to delve into

subjectivity, perceiving the phenomena, probing them from the point of view

of the subjects in a natural environment and related to the context. Delving

into their appreciations and meanings as expressed by Hernández et al.

(2010). For Bautista (2011), qualitative research has an important element

which takes into account the interaction of the subject and object which brings

them closer and thus seeks a way to see internally the phenomenon in

question.

In contrast, this approach is designed in a Praxeological way, since it uses the

inductive method, which pretends to adapt the pre-established theories to the

diverse unipersonal realities that emerge from the study and analysis of the

existing problems, which allows adjustments during the development of the

present investigation. This research does not intend to prove theories or

hypotheses, thus pretending to give relevance to cultural symbols, which have

a unique meaning that gives an unequivocal character to each culture. In

addition to this, taking into account the nature of the data, which are relative

to the experience, verbal and therefore mutable depending on the perspective

of the social group and focused on phenomenology.

Therefore, for Vargas (2011). (2011). the results of this research paradigm are

of an intensive nature, they go from the particular to the general, they have an

in-depth historical profile, thus achieving a naturalistic view of the

phenomenon. In this order of ideas, Bautista (2011) expresses that the

advantage of this research method over the quantitative, lies in the possibility

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

of communication with the subjects of study, giving greater importance to

individuals, which puts the researcher and the individual subject of study on

a horizontal plane, so that social factors are seen more clearly in a more

natural context.

In accordance with the above, phenomenology was used as a method that

allows us to examine the contents of the subject's consciousness in order to

describe them as they present themselves (Fuster, 2019; Reeder, 2011).

It is a qualitative study of phenomenological cut, the data collection mainly

occurs from the in-depth interview (Bautista, 2011; Amezcua, 2015), so for

this research a script was designed with three macro categories (see Table 1)

from which a series of guiding questions were derived for the development

of the interviews.

The unit of analysis is 11 women between 20 and 32 years of age from the

city of Bogota who are in the process of building a couple and live in the city

of Bogota, Colombia.

For the development of the research, a theoretical review was carried out,

which resulted in the script for the in-depth interview; subsequently, the

interviews were conducted and the corresponding coding was generated in

order to be able to, finally, analyze the results.

Table 1 - Categories of analysis

Category

Subcategory

The world

The world and its functions in the construction

of a couple

The other

Others and confirmation

The self

Self-referencing

Internal polarities

Triads to exist

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

RESULTS

The first assumption to analyze in the construction of a couple is the world

and its functions, although every person is thrown into different worlds

(family, couple, gender, religion, among others), it is she who has to inhabit

it and assume different norms and functions that it demands of her; in the case

of the construction of couples, women consider that from their experience

there are two types of functions in the world of courtship.

On the one hand, the cautious woman who specifies "I let everyone talk to

me, but I am clear that now I do not want to go out with anyone, I only talk

to distract myself" (23-year-old woman) and the other, which we can call an

alert woman "whenever a man talks to me I am attentive because it can be

presented as a possibility for something serious in the future" (27-year-old

woman), in both cases the world is presented with an initial norm and it is

that of conversing and the function of conversationalist emerges, giving way

to the assumption of the others.

Women perceive two types of others, those they consider possible-possibility

and none-possibility, this is presented in the first instance because they are

perceived from the supports (sedimentation) of the ideal of the other, that is,

the woman arrives with an argument in which she evaluates the man to

determine if he can be considered a possibility or not in the future.

"Although I talk to several guys, I really feel that they do not fulfill me, but I

still offer them my friendship" (22-year-old woman). On the contrary, another

discourse states "I am really looking for someone who is attentive to me, who

does not make me feel alone, that we always have plans and who shows me

that I am the one he loves" (19-year-old woman).

In both cases the other becomes an instrument where the ideal partner can be

deposited, or, on the contrary, discarded from that world, but in addition to

the first contact with the other, it happens that as the conversation begins to

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

take shape women assume a hyperperception of the man's acts or dialogues,

focusing on the man's confirmations. Couple relationships represent a great

source of support for young men and women, but in the development of these

relationships, dynamics of control and jealousy can be presented and executed

(Cevallos, 2017), which are subsequently interpreted negatively and,

therefore, the formation of a couple relationship can be avoided.

"I like that he always laughs at what I say" (24 year old woman), in this story

we can interpret the possible recognition that she needs from the man she talks

to, this type of recognition is of merit, because she considers that he is giving

a valuable place to what she is doing. But in part of the interview she specifies

"another guy she talked to does not laugh at everything, but I like that he takes

care of me, greets me every day and always dedicates songs or poems to me,

he is very nice to me" (24 year old woman), this type of recognition is that of

appreciation, that is, she specifies in her speech that this man appreciates her

presence in his life, making her feel loved and cared for, finally, she talks

about another man she talks to and points out "well Jaime (name changed by

the author) is super handsome, in the photos he looks great and his voice is

very interesting, but I dislike that he only tries to talk, that everything he says

is debated and that he insinuates that if he were my partner he would ask me

to stop talking to my male friends" (24 year old woman), in this story we can

see the opposite of recognition and it is the contempt mainly in that the girl

perceives the man as prohibiting things instead of giving her more

opportunities for her social development.

With all of the above, we can specify that every ideal of a partner in women

cannot be deposited only in a man and that is why 9 of the 11 women

interviewed stated that they maintain conversations with 1 or even 4 men that

they consider as a possible-possibility because they are seeking to be

appreciated, recognized and with equal opportunities, without leaving aside

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

their own cultural support of the prototype of a partner. It is important to

emphasize that this support is based mainly on the development of each

individual, especially the process of adolescence and how the way of relating

to others was established; this given that, in adolescence, identity is

consolidated in multiple aspects (Gaete, 2015).

For them, for a man to become a possible-possibility depends a lot on the

space-time in which he arrives and how he manages to positively engage in

the perception of their confirmation. But all of the above, begins to generate

in them a confusion in their feelings "at times, I think I am confused by their

way of being, because I feel that if I say something I might confuse them, or

on the contrary, I might confuse myself" (30-year-old woman), it seems that

this confusion occurs because the emotions begin to leave in the background

the ideal of a partner "he told me he had a son, I told him at first that I didn't

want to commit myself to anyone who had children, I didn't want to be the

mother, but after we had a conversation and he was so attentive, the fact that

he was a father took a back seat" (23-year-old woman).

As mentioned in the assumption of the world and its functions, cautious

women think that their actions before their possible-possibilities are evident

and instead of nurturing the conversation to achieve a more valuable couple

building, they prefer to keep their intentions distant from the conversation

because "I prefer not to be so obvious, because surely he will notice that I like

him right away, so why say it, although there are times when I feel that he

stops being connected talking to me, but I still prefer not to write him because

then he feels that I am a bold" (21 year old woman).

On the contrary, alert women think that "the question is ultimately theirs, I

think the problem lies in the man's instability, but no matter what, I am always

willing to be there, lest he be the right person" (23-year-old woman), both the

feeling and the thinking of women becomes a constant turn precisely because

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

of how they perceive the dialogical changes that their possible-possibilities

have with them, but it is here where beliefs become the bastion to discard or

continue in the world of couple construction with those possible-possibilities.

This leads to consider that the construction of a couple is vulnerable mainly

because "now I want to be alone, I have been with my ex-partner for a year,

surely he left me because I could not always be with him, now I do not want

to think about a partner and I prefer to meet or go out with guys without

commitment, because I am someone who knows how to love, respect and give

myself but I have been hurt a lot" (23 year old woman). In the above account,

the instability of the supports can be evidenced, mainly because, although she

has a belief of herself as a woman, she wants to project another one because

she has lost confidence in her.

But the sedimented and unmodifiable supports are also present in other stories

where they say "I don't want them to come and talk to me about formality,

that is no longer my thing, I have been doing what I want with my life for a

long time, for them to come and lock me up saying that they love me" (30-

year-old woman) or "I am not looking for a game, I want someone who loves

me and that we build a project together, If I have to start by talking, sex and

things like that, I do it, but only if he knows that what I am looking for is a

partner and that is why I give myself to him" (29 year old woman), likewise,

"I am clear that I want a partner, but he cannot be short, nor older than 35, nor

shy, but I have to be precise to get what I want and he is a dog that makes me

suffer" (26 year old woman). In the three previous stories, we find the toxic

sedimentation, which closes any possibility of encounter with others and a

greater vulnerability to believe that any movement of the other is a direct

attack on their beliefs.

To close the referencing assumption, the women interviewed argue that their

real desire is "to be loved, cared for and respected" (women aged 21, 23, 24

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

and 29). We could specify with the above a constant fluctuation of women in

their feeling, thinking, believing and wanting that makes the other be

perceived in different ways and ends up becoming an artifact to confirm.

Continuing with the existential exploration, women are constantly subjected

to take an emotional, cognitive, social and spiritual position, but this position

remains in conflict between different polarities. Within the results found we

can speak that emotionally women in the process of building a couple are

fragmented in their feelings, given that many of their supports in this

dimension have been affected by the sum of couple and family histories in

which they have found themselves, for them "the pain I feel, is not a pain of

yesterday, my last partner cheated on me, He always told me that I was the

best he had ever known and one day he suddenly left me" (Woman, 25 years

old), in the same way, cognitively, women in the stage of couple building are

oriented in an argument of individuation, where the search for autonomy

persists as a way of protecting their intimacy because "many times everyone

wanted to take me to bed, to test me as a woman and that made me feel used"

(Woman, 27 years old).

In the social dimension of the personal narrative, we find that women

maintain a narrative of instrumentalization of the other, in which they state

"men only serve at this time to spend, to accompany us women" (22-year-old

woman) and another interviewee indicates "it is not that women at this time

are interested, let's say that giving us the opportunity to talk to several men

opens the spectrum of possibilities and whoever is the best will always have

a better chance of being something serious for us" (30-year-old woman), as

can be perceived in the stories, the other only serves to maintain the person

as existing in a reality that on a spiritual level becomes a continuous

consumption of energy, purposes and frustrations, because, "at the end of the

night, I feel that I do not think of anyone, although I wish I could love again,

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

it is better to keep distance from that possibility, just like men think like that,

just go out and that's it" (Woman of 24 years of age). (24-year-old woman).

As we have been able to explore the dimensional polarities of women we can

specify that they remain in constrictive polarities leading them to actions of

existential resistance as we will see in the triads of existing that they

constructively assume.

In the discourses found in the interviews, it has been possible to analyze and

interpret women who, in the process of building couples, find themselves

constructively in referential references that distance them from the possibility

of a true encounter and therefore see in the other an instrument to make them

feel that they exist in the world of the couple, attracting their attention,

seeking not to commit to a stable and lasting relationship. From the above,

we find women who at a personal level are ambivalent, dissonant or

incongruent when they say "I want to be loved and respected, but I do not

know if it is the right time, that is why I talk to someone without looking for

them to feel committed" (26 year old woman), these discourses reveal people

who are confused about themselves, who have lost their security and self-

confidence, but at the relational level we find women oriented towards a

competitive loyalty in which they struggle not to feel responsible for the acts

that occur in the construction of a couple and at the same time manage to be

the only possibility for the person with whom they are talking.

Finally, at the existential level, we find women who, due to the sum of their

histories, have assumed the evasion of their responsibility, generating the

belief that their actions depend on the painful past and little interest in

committing themselves to the future, "I think it is worth thinking about the

present, enjoy it, try new things and always keep those possibilities alive, until

one gets tired and that's it" (23 year-old woman). (23-year-old woman).

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

CONCLUSIONS

From the results described above, we can answer two questions. 1). What

would be the present causes that maintain the way of existing of women in

the process of couple building and 2). What would be, from the results found,

the way of existing that allows to act in a reflexive and responsible way.

Answering the first question implies exploring the dilemmas that fluctuate the

existential continuum of the couple building process in women between 19

and 32 years of age, since the confrontation with each dilemma, although it

generates reflection, is overshadowed by the author-referential arguments of

the women in their couple history. We can specify that the dilemmas as

experiential assumptions of the existential continuum come as evidence, cases

such as the traumatic rupture of the couple relationship, makes many of them

perceive that their permanence as a couple is threatened and when they see

that with time this happens, they assume a constructive protection towards

their own capacity to commit themselves in a new relationship.

Another dilemma that arises in women is the encounter with situations that

remind them of their painful histories, as well as other situations in which the

other comes to surprise her with the possibility of being loved again, this

generates a confrontation, because although the woman feels that she does

not belong to the world of the couple, she desires it, and seeing that another

is looking for her generates anguish not only for committing herself, but also

because this other ends up instrumentalizing her, thus, the man's form of

confirmation becomes a threat to her uncertainty.

The other dilemmas that present themselves are the encounter with

possibilities that do not fulfill the ideal and the lack of skills to take

responsibility to say, on the other hand, the continuous questioning of whether

going ahead in conversations with the possibilities makes any sense, is held

back mainly by the search not for a full well-being but for a momentary

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

satisfaction of their emotions, using the other as a drug to get away from the

poorly reflected wounds of their past. In conclusion, to the first question the

causes that maintain the constrictive way of existing in the processes of

couple building is the lack of skills to responsibly respond to the existential

dilemmas that life presents in the couple's history.

The second question has its arguments in the question already answered,

because if women are able to reflect and take responsibility for the sum of

their stories, they will not only be able to change their story but also assume

a personal position of what they want in the here and now. With the above,

we can specify that a woman who manages to be emotionally coherent,

committed to the situation in which she finds herself today, capable of linking

herself with the other as she presents herself with the changes she will have

and achieve fullness in the relational dynamics in which she lives, will be able

to express her real interest and manage all her personal processes, to be a

support for the other and thus find meaning despite the decision of the other.

In this research, it was possible to describe an exploration of the existential

continuum, with the purpose of understanding the experiences of women in

the construction of couples, many of the participants came from stormy

relationships or that ended on bad terms, some had been alone for more than

three years, others for 6 to 3 months. The curious thing about the interviews

is that all the women assumed the same constrictive way of existing, that is,

they were unable to assume a position of openness to the other or, on the

contrary, of isolation to reflect on their situation, which leads them to end up

recreating and reliving those traumatic and painful experiences of the past

without seeking to do so.

Finally, in this research it is considered important to achieve a study of the

construction of couples in men and homosexual people, which allows us to

account for the relational dynamics experienced by these people, as well as it

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Reconfigurations in couple construction: analysis of the existential continuum in women

is important to describe the current experience of couples in young people

and young adults.

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